Validation Introduction

We often try a lot harder than we need to in responding to each other’s needs. Whether it’s with our children, partners, family or acquaintances, we tend to despair at not having a solution to their frustrations and problems. And this can get us into trouble by frustrating the very situation we intended to make right. When our partner or child tells us that they are having a problem or is feeling down about something, we tend to have this urge to help them get rid of their “negative” feelings or experiences. We give them advice so that they don’t have to feel the way they do or have the problem that they’re having. We urge them not to have these feelings or experiences, by literally telling them to “stop it.”

These responses are common, but they do not help. Deep down, we know this. Yet, when someone is feeling a certain “bad” way and we want them not to feel that way, we ourselves get filled with anxiety or distress. So, we try to take control and steer them away from these “bad” feelings to also help reduce our own anxiety.

This makes sense. We see a problem and try to get rid of it. Our efforts to “get rid” of someone’s “bad” feelings or experiences often come in the forms of advice giving and disagreement. See below for a few examples.
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1. Advice Giving

John’s girlfriend says, “I’ve had a terrible day.” John’s response, “You should just relax.”

Sarah’s daughter says, “I have so much homework and I don’t know what to do.”

Sarah’s response, “You should just get started and take one thing at a time”

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2. Disagreement

Tony, struggling with homework, says to his father, “I’m worthless”.

Tony’s father responds,“No you’re not.”

Mark’s wife says, “I guess I’m just an idiot”.

Mark responds, “You’re not an idiot”.

What these responses serve to accomplish is typically the very opposite of what was intended even though they look like “the right ones”. Both of these types of response actually lead to what’s called invalidation.

Ironically, despite our best efforts to do otherwise, we end up communicating that the other person is “wrong” or incorrect about their own perceptions. When someone is“feeling stupid” or “feeling dumb”, by disagreeing with them, we are sending them the message that they are getting their feelings wrong or, in other words, that they are “too stupid” to even realize that they are “not stupid”. Get it?

By invalidation, we communicate that the other person is feeling a way that they“shouldn’t” and when they are told that they “shouldn’t” feel that way, they come to conclude that they are not any good at knowing their own experience. The other example presented here is advice giving. Recall a time when you were super-anxious, worked up and stressed out. How does it feel when someone says “calm down?” Do you suddenly obey their command and feel all warm and relaxed inside? No, you actually get more of what you don’t want- more anxiety, nervousness, agitation. Why is this?

When we are feeling anxious, this is not something we want and when someone tells us not to have it, we get more of it. We also receive the message that we “should” be able to calm down, but simply aren’t “doing it right.” This leads us to frustration, which leads tomore anxiety. If you could just “calm down” by telling yourself to, few of us would ever struggle with anxiety at all.

We then have the question, “If not these responses, how do we respond?” The answer is simple yet often difficult to accomplish because it’s not usually the response we expect to work. The answer is: validation. Validation means confirmation. However, we want to be careful in our understanding of what we are “confirming.”We are not “agreeing” with or confirming the person’s statement or belief. For example,when someone says, “I am stupid,” validation is NOT to say, “Yes you are a complete and total idiot.” Again, we are not “confirming” the truth of someone’s statement or belief orc onclusion. Instead, we are confirming that this is how they are feeling at this moment intime. When someone says, “I am stupid,” validation might look like one of the following:“You’re feeling really down about yourself right now” or “You’re feeling stuck” or “That’s a pretty intense feeling” or “That’s a pretty intense thought” or finally, and most simply,“You’re feeling stupid”. In its simplest form, validation can be just re-stating what someone is saying, but in terms of what someone is feeling. Below are some validating statements in response to the same examples above.

1. Validation instead of Advice Giving

John’s girlfriend says, “I’ve had a terrible day.” John’s response, “Today has been pretty rough.”

Sarah’s daughter says, “I have so much homework and I don’t know what to do.”

Sarah’s response, “I can imagine that’s super overwhelming.”

B. Validation instead of Disagreement

Tony, struggling with homework, says to his father, “I’m worthless”. Tony’s father responds,“You’re feeling down about yourself.”

Mark’s wife says, “I guess I’m just an idiot”. Mark responds, “That’s a painful feeling.”

In addition to “validation,” we can also seek to understand by asking open-endedquestions to clarify what is being said. Sometimes advice really is a good option, but first we want to start by validating and then by offering advice (“Do you want some feed backon this?” rather than forcing our opinion). To note, this is just an introduction to validation.As we move forward through the SPIRO process, we will learn more about validation in its different forms.